The Perils of Being Potter
by Lowlands Girl
Summary: [Post HBP] Mary Sue Potter has come to Hogwarts, inspiring questions: Who is she? What's her secret? And why doesn't she have violet eyes? Parody


**The Perils of Being Potter**  
_by_ The Eighth Weasley

The Sorting was going normally, with terrified first-years being sorted into their appropriate houses. The A's through O's were uneventful, and even the youngest Patil sister, a potential disaster, was sorted without incident. But then...

"Potter, Mary-Sue."

Whispers broke out, as they were expected to, with such a name like that. It wasn't just the "Potter" that gave them pause -- after all, they already had a Potter, a Harry Potter, and, well, maybe he had a sister? Or a younger cousin? Or a long-lost daughter traveled back in time to teach him how to defeat Voldemort (hey, that's a good idea, I should write that! Though I doubt, if she was intelligent enough to teach Harry how to defeat Voldemort, she'd be sent back at _eleven_, much less with her own name)...

Where was I?

Right. It wasn't the "Potter" part of the name that took them by surprise, though admittedly it made a few people cough, and the lemon drop that Dumbledore -- who is most definitely still alive in this story, certain books notwithstanding! -- had been sucking on went down his throat with an audible _plop!_ and he nearly choked.

No, it wasn't the "Potter."

It was the "Mary-Sue."

For years now -- approximately six years, in fact, about since Harry had become popular -- rumors had flown about a new epidemic sweeping the Muggle world. It was a creature known as the "Mary-Sue," and could come cunningly disguised, though once you knew its main characteristics, it was easy to spot, even in its male form.

The Mary-Sue usually had hair of an unusual color, and eyes that were akin to food. She was often beautiful, or "uncommonly pretty", or at least caught the attention of every boy nearby. Sometimes she was older, and then became a menace to the older men, particularly those whose names began with S. Both names. And as she got older, if she wasn't already old, she would develop curves in all the right places. Wherever the right places were -- most men have their own opinions, so in order for it to be the "right place," she probably had curves everywhere.

She was talented, and smart, and made loads of friends. And she frequently claimed to be related to one of the major charac -- ahem, to very popular people. And far too often she was American.

She was a complete menace to the Muggle world, and as yet had not penetrated into the Wizarding one.

But now...

When the name "Mary-Sue Potter" rang out, everyone began whispering and trying to get a good look at the new charact -- girl, I mean. The new girl.

To their immense surprise, she looked quite nervous, was not smiling widely, had rather plain straight hair, brownish eyes, and was neither tall nor short. Her nose was neither cute and button-like nor straight and noble. Her lips were neither full and pouty nor small and delicate. And she most certainly did not have an elfin face. She looked, in short, terrifyingly normal. And she had no curves.

Everyone held their breath as she put the Sorting Hat on her (non-blonde, slightly tangled and wet from getting splashed on the boat trip over) hair.

The rumors held that Mary-Sues were either exceptionally brave and courageous -- your typical Gryffindor -- or extremely cunning and sly -- which would mean Slytherin. For the first time in Hogwarts' history, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy met each other's gaze and did not sneer at each other. Their eyes held a shared horror: _Oh, please God, let her not be in **my** house!_

The Hat was now talking to Mary-Sue Potter, but only your Author knows what it said:

"Hmm. Mary-Sue, eh? Mary-Sue Potter. Interesting, interesting. By rights you should be in Gryffindor, with the other Potter, or in Slytherin, to become Draco Malfoy's concubine--" "His what?" "-- but I see neither courage nor ambition in your head. So, it shall be... _HUFFLEPUFF!_"

Professor Sprout passed out, and Professor Flitwick was heard to breathe a great sigh of relief. Professor Snape smiled widely, and then had to staunch the blood from around his cracked lips with one of Hagrid's handkerchiefs -- and didn't even appear to mind that it had something wiggling in a folded-down corner.

Professor McGonagall, with a huge sigh of relief, shooed the girl off the stool.

However, before the girl could creep away to the Hufflepuff table, whose inhabitants were regarding her with great suspicion and not a tiny bit of terror, Professor Dumbledore, the nosy interfering old bastard, swept from his chair and came down to grab the girl by her wrists.

Silence fell in the Hall. Everyone wanted to hear what he said. He did not waste words.

"Who are you?"

The girl swallowed. Nervously. "I'm -- I'm Mary-Sue Potter," she said. Her voice was small and high-pitched, and she had a thick Midlands accent.

"Who are your parents?"

"Dorothy and John Potter," she whispered.

Dumbledore looked at McGonagall. "Do you know of any Dorothy and John Potter?" he asked.

"No, Headmaster," she said crisply. "Harry is supposed to be the last of the Potters."

"Then how can her name be Potter?" Dumbledore asked. Then a thought struck him. He turned to Mary-Sue. "Are they Muggles?"

"Um. Yes."

"How can you let her into the school!" Hermione Granger suddenly shouted, standing up. "She's come from the Muggle world, she's a Mary-Sue! Who knows what sort of damage she could--"

"What do you mean, I'm _a_ Mary-Sue?" interrupted Mary-Sue, offended. "My name is Mary-Sue Potter, and I like my name, and I don't know anyone else with it!"

"I've read about Mary-Sues," Hermione said, "and they're dangerous. They threaten the normal balance of fate, of predetermined destiny. They're caused by young people, usually girls, who want to fulfill selfish fantasies, they--"

"Thank you, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore quietly. "That will be enough."

Hermione fell silent, but she didn't sit down.

Dumbledore turned to the girl. "You are Muggle-born?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever heard of Harry Potter?"

"_Harry_ Potter? No," she said. "I've got an uncle Harold, but he doesn't go by Harry, and my grampa is Henry. No Harry in the family, though. Why?" she asked.

Dumbledore gestured to Harry Potter to stand up, and he did so. "This is Harry Potter," he said.

"Oh," she said. "It's nice to meet you."

As they were on opposite sides of the Hall, they didn't shake hands.

"You've never heard of him before?" Dumbledore pressed. "Never met him mysteriously, never heard of secrets involving lost relatives?"

"No," said Mary-Sue. "My mum's into geneaology, and she's got records all the way back to the Middle Ages, and we've got no relatives in the Wizarding world. She went and checked as soon as I got the letter, asked the witch down the street for help. We've got some in America, and Australia, though, and my second cousin once-removed lives in South Africa."

Dumbledore and McGonagall exchanged meaningful looks. What the meaning was, I'm not sure, but when they were done waggling eyebrows and pursing lips and twitching their cheeks in a secret language, Dumbledore said:

"Well, it appears you are harmless. Go sit down, young lady."

And, relieved, Mary-Sue Potter (who really was no relation to Harry, and quite the average girl), finally went to sit at the Hufflepuff table.

Over at the Gryffindor table, Hermione finally let herself be pulled down to her seat by Ron and Harry. She still wasn't sure about this whole thing; her sudden animosity to the girl seemed unusual in itself, no matter how much about Mary-Sues she'd heard over the summer.

"I don't know what all that fuss was about," Mary-Sue was heard to mutter to a fellow first-year. "Potter's not that uncommon a name."

_--fin--_


End file.
